It is such a short and easy to pronounce word, yet sometimes it is so difficult to say, “No.” That one word has so much baggage attached to it. It demands respect, conviction, and certainty from the speaker. It has the power to provoke disappointment, anger, confusion, dislike, and sadness in the listener. It’s use covers a spectrum of situations.
- May I have ice cream now? No.
- Did you clean your room? No.
- Did you go to the store and buy the cereal I want? No.
- Are you coming over today? No.
- Do you want to go out for dinner with me sometime? No.
- Are you able to help out at our fundraiser on Saturday? No.
- Will you give me one more chance? No.
- Can we afford the cost of an out-of-state college? No.
- Is there a cure for this condition? No.
- Am I ever going to see Spot again? No.
And on, and on, and on. There are already so many things to say no to in the world. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling uncomfortable saying no to people, because I know how disappointing it can be to hear the word no. Further, I am strongly empathetic and I don’t like to create discord in a relationship because it creates a feeling of being compressed inside my body and spins thoughts around in my head so that I am constantly second guessing the decision. I’ve got the double whammy of being both a people pleaser and aconflict avoider. It’s even more difficult if I have to say no to a person who is extremely confident and persistently attempts to persuade me to change my mind. Yet lately, despite these factors, I have been finding myself saying no more often.
My time has always been important to me and I often feel like I never have enough time to do the things that I would like to be doing. I am a single parent of two boys, one who has a very active life and the other who is autistic and his needs can require extra attention when he is with me. Their dad moved to a different state. I am taking care of so many things on my own (unless I hire a babysitter and thank goodness to my house cleaner who comes every other week). I am also trying to ramp up my blog, YouTube channel, and my overall work from home skills. I cram activity in from the moment I get up in the morning until the moment I go to sleep at night. In the past, I have worn myself out by over committing my time to others and expecting too much from myself. I was getting tired so often that every few days I needed to nap in the afternoon. And I’m over it. In this hectic, over-scheduled world, I expect a lot of us are feeling that way. The clincher was when my 13-year-old son said to me, “You’re trying to do too much.” (The wisdom I’ve gained from my precocious kids is an entirely different post.)
Recently, I was asked what I did for fun during the day. Not a general question about hobbies, but a direct ask, as in, “What specific activity did you do today that made you happy?” I couldn’t answer it. I thought about my day so far – nothing; I thought about the previous day – I’d spent that in a whirl completing various tasks. I had to go back to the previous week when I had gone out to a concert. “I went to concert last week! It was so fun!” But I knew that here was a problem — I was no longer enjoying myself regularly. I’d dropped most of my daily fun, or at least satisfying, activities. The thought that creeps in next, “If you aren’t enjoying yourself, what’s the point?” Should I spend the next 10 years pushing myself to exhaustion so that when my kids have flown the coop, I can finally relax? There is also that painful inkling that my 9-year-old son might need to live with me much longer beyond the age of 18. When do I give myself permission to relax and enjoy life?
I’d love to say right now that there was some magic turn around, but life doesn’t actually work that way. However, one thing I did decide to do was push back on things that were encroaching on my precious time that didn’t serve my needs or the needs of my boys. I had an appointment scheduled for my 9-year-old son the other day, that really could happen any time in the next couple months. It was squeezed in after school and before I had to make dinner and take my older son to his dance class. I was getting stressed out just at the thought of it as I was trying to complete things around the house and knew the 9 year old was going to have a lot of homework that night. So I called up and rescheduled the appointment for the summer and it was like setting down a heavy weight — instant relief.
That was when I made a conscious decision to say no to people and activities that would eat up my time with very little benefit. And to say no much more often. And maybe more frequently than is totally necessary. But I’m not replacing that freed up time with more work, I am replacing it with greater social connection and fun activities that will allow me to indulge in happiness more often.
One of the mantras of parenting has been about setting limits with your children. I’ve decided to expand that to setting limits with everyone. I’ve always been a strong woman and will stand up for my beliefs and fight for the needs of my kids. But sometimes I have been far too compliant. That ends now, as I begin to say no. No to scrolling endlessly on Facebook. No to dating apps and the time wasting men that lurk there. No to survey takers. No to people asking me to volunteer. No to my kids trying to stay up much later at night than they should. No to myself when my inner voice is goading me to complete more work than my physical body or my mental capacity can handle.
This is just one more step I am taking in my attempt to gain more control over my life and it is a much needed one. Dear readers, you are in the driver’s seat and you are the navigator of your life. You decide how you will reach your destination. Let it be a smooth road, a cool breeze, and the radio playing your favorite tune, not a route filled with potholes and frequent detours. I challenge everyone who reads this to start saying no more often to the things that hold a lower level of importance in your life. In its place, say yes to something you like. I hope, like me, that you will find the pressure melting away and you can fill yourself with the joy we all deserve to experience.